Children & Grief

Children & Grief

Death is a natural event. Experts agree that children, even very young ones, should not be shielded from the death of a loved one. Children can recognize death as an event and are curious to ask questions about it. The general advice is to talk to the child simply and truthfully about the death, in a way that's appropriate for their age.

Ask questions to determine what the child already knows about the situation. You may then explain the situation to him simply and honestly. For instance, you may say, “Grandma’s heart got too tired and stopped working, so she died.”

It is important to avoid giving answers that may confuse or frighten the child, such as “Grandma went to sleep and is not going to wake up” or “God took Grandma to be with the angels.” While these phrases are meant to comfort and soothe, the child may interpret them much more literally. For example, the child might become afraid to go to sleep because the same thing could happen to them.

Allow the child to ask questions if he wants, but do not pressure him if he doesn’t respond. A younger child may ask questions such as “Where is Grandma now?” or “Is my kitty in heaven?” Older children may comprehend the finality of death more fully, and ask more abstract questions that are related to issues of faith, the meaning of life, etc.

For children of any age, give truthful, simple answers in terms they can understand.

How do you explain the death of a loved one to a child?

Talking to a child about the death of a loved one is never easy, but honest, age-appropriate conversations can help them begin to understand and process their grief. Children are naturally curious and may ask what happened, where the person is now, or whether they will see them again. It’s important to speak gently and clearly, using simple words and avoiding confusing metaphors like “gone to sleep” or “lost,” which may cause fear or misunderstanding.

Let the child know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry—and that all their emotions are normal. Encourage them to ask questions and share how they’re feeling, and remind them they’re not alone in their grief. Reassure them that they are safe, loved, and supported.

Ages 2 to 7

Up to 7 years of age, children see death mainly as a separation event. This may cause them to feel abandoned and scared. They may fear being alone, and may not want to sleep alone at night, or go to school.

Because children this young usually have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally, they may “act out” instead, through behaviors such as temper tantrums, refusing to obey adults, or creating an imaginary life through role-playing. Other behaviors, usually seen in children ages 2 to 5, may include problems with eating, sleeping, toileting, or bed-wetting. Very young children under age 2 may suddenly stop talking and become more irritable in general.

Ages 7–12

Children in this age group have begun to understand that death is permanent. They may see death as a more personal threat to their own safety, develop a fear of dying themselves, or turn to “preventive” behaviors to “protect” themselves from death. For example, they may attach themselves to someone they believe can protect them or focus on being “brave” or “good.” Others may simply withdraw socially and/or emotionally.

Symptoms may include difficulty concentrating on schoolwork, following directions, and completing daily tasks.

Teens

Teenagers understand and perceive death much as adults do, but they may express grief differently. They may react dramatically or engage in reckless behavior in an attempt to “defy” death. Reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, using illegal drugs, or having unprotected sex can all be ways of acting out their anxiety and grief. Thoughts of suicide may occur in teens who are struggling to process their loss. Warning signs may include a preoccupation with death, thinking or talking openly about suicide, or giving away belongings. Parents of teens who have lost a loved one should watch for changes in their child’s behavior and seek professional counseling immediately if they believe their child may be in danger.